Chapter 12: Flinging Poo

[pascal_curious]

“I should really be going, I am sure you have things you need to do and I have housework that needs tending to,” Amber said as she rose from the kitchen stool. The scotch we had been drinking gave her cheeks a lovely pink glow.

                              

“As much as I hate to I have work that needs to be done for tomorrow. I have presentation I need to make. The company I work for is bidding on another government contract.”

 

“If you have to go into work tomorrow who will be watching Andromeda?” she asked curiously.

 

“If Lazlo or Vidcund are off they take care of her, if we all have to be at work, like tomorrow, I will call ‘The Nanny Van’ and they will send someone over to keep her. Usually that old cow Sophie Miguel.”

 

“Is she that bad?” Amber asked.

 

“She is really good with the baby, but otherwise she is completely useless. Last week she caught the stove on fire. It was a lucky thing that Lazlo got home when he did, or the house would have gone up in flames,” I explained.

 

“Oh my! That’s terrible. How on earth did she do that?”

 

 

“She had left something on the stove to cook and wasn’t watching it. When Lazlo found her she was sitting on the toilet reading the newspaper.”

 

Amber laughed out loud.

 

“I’m, sorry,” she said, choking back her laughter. “That is really awful, I shouldn’t laugh, but it is a little funny.”

 

“I suppose it is, looking back. I certainly wasn’t laughing when I called the nanny agency to complain.”

 

“I guess you wouldn’t be. I surely wouldn’t be if I were in your shoes.”

 

There was a brief silence as we walked to the front door. I opened the door to show her out. She paused on the doorstep.

“Thanks for an interesting afternoon,” she said. “Tell Lazlo that I asked after him.”

                                                               

“I will.”

 

“I guess I will see you later, good luck with your presentation tomorrow,” she told me.

 

“Thanks,” I said somewhat awkwardly. I wasn’t sure what an appropriate kind of goodbye would be. After everything we shared a simple goodbye didn’t seem like enough. Before I could decide what to do, she was already part way down the front walk. I watched her cross the street and enter her own home. She gave a little wave before she closed her front door. I waved back.

 

The bunker suddenly seemed very quiet. I looked in on Andy to make sure that she was sleeping and closed the bedroom door all but a crack. I turned on the stereo to a classical channel, sat down at my desk and began to remove the post-it notes from my computer monitor one by one, thinking back over the events that had just transpired.

 

That afternoon passed into evening in the same manner that most afternoons had in the past couple of weeks. I fed, diapered, kissed and cuddled Andy and worked on my presentation in the moments in between. Lazlo and Vidcund returned home from work around 6, Vidcund only stayed around long enough to have something quick for dinner and was off to visit Circe. I was concerned for Vidcund. He was only asking for trouble by getting mixed up with Circe. No good would come of it if Loki found out. 

 

Lazlo and I shared a dinner of ramen noodles and leftover pizza, over which I detailed the events of the day. Lazlo seemed pleased that I had confided in Amber.

 

“I still think she likes you, big brother,” he told me.

 

I shook my head and shrugged it off. Never, in the history of the world, had any woman shown the remotest bit of interest in me. I had made the mistake, as a teen, to misinterpret my friendship with Circe. Being of scientific minds, she and I were often placed in the same advanced placement science courses. We developed a friendship and one semester she asked me to be her lab partner. This led to spending a lot of time with Circe to do assignments and projects.  I developed a huge crush on her. One day, we received the highest score in the entire class on one of our projects and I misread a celebratory hug as a hug of affection. That afternoon, in the schoolyard, I tried to make my move. My confidence bolstered by the hug, I tried to kiss her.

Big mistake. As I recall, her exact reaction was ‘Ewww! Get off of me you dork!’. This led to a huge playground spectacle in which Loki Beaker (who also had a crush on Circe, unbeknownst to me) beat the living shit out of me. To put it simply, I got knocked the fuck out. 

Despite her disinterest in me romantically, Circe was furious that Loki beat me to a bloody pulp and refused to even give him the time of day. It was later that week that Circe started dating Vidcund, much to my dismay. 

This incident, forever after referred to as ‘The Circe Debacle’, taught me an important lesson about women; they don’t like geeks. Thus ended my very brief foray into the world of romance. I had been out with women after that, but for some strange reason they always stressed the caveat ‘just as friends’. After a while I just gave up and accepted the fact that women did not find me at all attractive.

 

“I don’t think so.” I told Lazlo. “Why don’t you ask her out? You always have better luck than I do with women. Then again,” I sighed, “That wouldn’t take much.”

 

“I just might do that, but only if you are sure you would be okay with it big brother,” Lazlo contemplated.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked, bored with the whole subject. “It’s not like she threw me on the living room floor and made mad passionate love to me while she was here. She’s all yours Lazlo.”

 

“Your loss,” Lazlo said with a shrug.

 

That evening, Lazlo went over my final presentation with me. I was very pleased with the finished product; it was just the delivery I was worried about. I printed out some notes for myself before giving Andromeda a bath in the sink and putting her to bed. I was so tired when I finally went to bed that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

 

The next morning I shit, showered, shaved, fed and changed Andromeda and handed her over to Sophie all by eight AM. I was thoroughly upset that the nanny agency had sent Sophie after I insisted that we wanted a different nanny. I told Sophie when to expect me home and threatened to tie her up in the yard and set her on fire if she caught any part of our house on fire again. She was very taken aback, but got my point. I had no Idea that someday, not too far in the future, I would regret having said those words to her.

 

I arrived at work about eight-thirty, more than hour earlier than I needed to be. I wanted to make sure that everything was in order and to be able to take some time to rehearse my presentation. 

I first took a quick walk through of the lab and checked up on everyone to see if there had been any problems or questions since the last time I had been in. As usual, Angus MacKenzie had an issue that needed addressed.

 Angus MacKenzie was the eldest researcher in the lab. He had been employed with the company since before my father had retired. He remembered my father and spoke of him often, just to annoy me. It was common knowledge that Angus resented the fact that I had been promoted instead of him. He resented that someone of my youth (if 33 qualifies as youth) got the job he had had his eyes on for years. Therefore Angus went out of his way to cause me grief. I guess he figured that if he kept screwing up it would make me look bad and if he got lucky I would get fired, demoted or I would quit. Fortunately for me, unfortunately for him, he only succeeded in making himself look stupid. Unfortunately for me, I still had to fix all of his mistakes and goof ups, some of which put us days behind schedule. I hoped old Angus would retire soon, but until that time, I had talked one of the interns into teaching the lab monkeys to throw their poo at Angus any time he came within range. They hadn’t hit him yet, but it was only a matter of time.

I took some time in my tiny corner office to catch up on some correspondence and to review my notes. I didn’t realize how much time I had wasted with Angus until my boss, Gilbert Price, called to tell me that everyone was in the conference room waiting for me.

 I grabbed al the necessary things, checked my hair (as if that would make a difference) and went across the hall to the conference room. My heart was beating a out of my chest and my palms were getting sweaty. This was the biggest moment of my career thus far. I hoped I wouldn’t hose it up. 

 

I went into the meeting, confident in my work but nervous about its presentation. As I stood at the podium and arranged my notes in the proper order I couldn’t help but notice the ten upturned, inquisitive face that were all focused on me. One of those faces happened to be the scowling face of my boss, another of them was childhood classmate Buzz Grunt – now General Buzz Grunt. This did nothing to ease my nerves. 

 

I cleared my throat and introduced myself, managing to sound like strangled frog in the process. I excused myself, cleared my throat again and asked everyone to introduce themselves so I had a good idea who my audience exactly was. There were a few people there who would easily be able to follow everything I said, and a few who, without any scientific background, would struggle to keep up. I made a conscious effort not to talk down to them and, as in General Buzz’s case, not talk over their heads. (That is not to say that Buzz wasn’t an intelligent man. You can’t become a General if you are a boob, but in matters of science Buzz had always been clueless.)

 

After about the first page of notes I got into stride. I was, after all, the only person with such intimate knowledge of this program. I knew every bit of it backwards, in-side-out, upside-down and sideways. Everything seemed to be going swimmingly from my vantage point. There were, from time to time, nods of agreement from my audience so I knew, at the very least, that they were able to follow me. I though I had done very well when I was finished, despite the lack of applause and standing ovations. Only Mr. Price was still wearing the same scowl as I thanked everyone for their time, shook each of their hands in turn and answered any queries they had. His seemingly permanent scowl only unnerved me and made me second guess myself.

 

“Pascal, if you will excuse me, I want to give our guests a brief tour of the facility,” Mr. Price explained. “I would like to see you in my office in about fifteen minutes.” His expression didn’t budge as he spoke to me.

 

I returned to my office and sat down heavily in my chair. I wondered if I should start cleaning out my desk now or if I should wait. It seemed as though Angus may just get his wish.

 

I hadn’t been wallowing in self pity for more than five minutes when my office door opened and I was barraged with question from Vidcund and Lazlo who had arrived at work at ten.

 

“How did it go, big brother," asked Lazlo in his jovial and easy going way.

 

I declined to answer and only grunted in response.

 

“It can’t have been that bad,” he assured me. “You didn’t talk over their heads did you?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“He shouldn’t have talked down to them either,” added Vidcund in his self important, all knowing way.

 

“I didn’t!” I snapped. “Can we please stop talking about it for now, I have to be in Price’s office in a few minutes.”

 

“Well, that means either you were great, or that you totally sucked,” Lazlo informed me, as if I hadn’t already known that.

 

I rose from my chair and went to my office door. I would rather wait in Mr. Price’s office than sit here to be ineffectually cheered up by these two.

 

“Keep an eye on Angus, will you?” I grumbled. “He’s being a pain in the ass again”

 

Mr. Price had returned from giving the tour of the facility by the time I arrived in his office. He looked up as I walked in, his face expressionless.

 

“Please, have a seat Pascal.”

 

I sat in the chair apposite his. He studied me for a moment, saying nothing. My anxiety level was rising exponentially every second he remained silent. Much longer and he would have to pick up pieces of me from all over his floor.

 

“You did a very good job today, m’boy,” he said, his face finally softening to a fatherly look of approval. “Your dad would have been proud.”

 

I exhaled an enormous breath of relief. I hadn’t realized that I had been holding my breath.

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

Mr. Price scratched his chin and studied me a bit longer.

 

“What will it take to get you back here in the lab, Pascal,” he asked.

I gulped and wondered how to evasively yet thoroughly answer his question.

 

“Uh, sir, It’s not like I don’t want to come back, I would be very happy to. It’s just that some issues have arisen at home which require me to be home as much as I can manage,”

I tried to explain

 

“You are going to have to do better than that if you want me to continue to let you to stay home.”

 

My head was spinning. How was I going to pull this off? I decided after a moment’s thought that a partial truth might be in order.

 

I leaned forward in my chair to be closer to him. To convey the sense that I was sharing a great big secret, I looked toward the door as if I were afraid someone would walk in and hear my secret.

 

“I would appreciate it if this didn’t get out, Sir.”

 

“Yes,” he said, scowling once again.

 

“I have recently become a father,” I half whispered. “I have been trying to raise her on my own, and I don’t have someone I can trust to watch her if I come back full time.”

 

Mr. Price sat back in his chair and roared with laughter. His guffaws were so loud that people passing in the hallway, paused to look through the window to see what was going on.”

 

That was not the reaction I had been counting on. I don’t recall ever having seen Mr. Price laugh before that moment. I always thought if he were to smile his face might just crack.

 

“That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say, Pascal, but I must admit it was a lot better. I haven’t laughed like that in years!” he exclaimed.

 

I fully believed that he hadn’t laughed like that in years, but I wondered what type of answer he had been expecting.

 

“I think I am going to have to change my opinion about you, Curious,” he stated.

 

“Please forgive me sir, but I am more than a little confused.”

 

Mr. Price started to laugh again. I patiently waited for his laughter to subside.

 

“What’s little crumb cruncher’s name?” he finally asked me between chortles.

 

“Andromeda.”

“Ahh, either you are a lover of astronomy or mythology, which is it then?” he asked, the red finally draining from his face.

 

“Astronomy.”

 

“Very good, very good,” he said as though I had been seeking his approval. “What of the child’s mother?”

 

I gulped.

 

“Er, she is no longer with us, sir.” I said, trying to appear mournful.

 

 The color and the smile quickly faded from Mr. Price’s face.

 

“Now that is a sad thing, son, and I am sorry for your loss. She died in childbirth, did she?”

 

I nodded, looking at my hands in my lap.

 

“I must admit, Curious, that you surprised me today. You did a damn fine job. There is a lot more to you than I ever would have thought possible. I am afraid I have misjudged you. And you, a father! I never thought you had it in you,” He explained. He leaned in closer as if it was his turn to tell a secret. “In fact, the gals in the payroll office had a little wager going as to whether you were gay or not.”

 

I wasn’t sure if I should have been offended by that or not.

 

He sat back in his chair and continued, "When we win this contract, and there is no doubt in my mind that we will, I want you to be fully in charge of the project.  It will mean a lot more responsibility for you, but now I know you are up to it.  With all the money we are prepared to pay you, you will be able to afford to have a whole army of nannies to care for your daughter. "

I was astounded. A weak "thank you" was all that I managed to croak out.

 

“You think about it over the weekend,” he suggested, “and we will talk about the particulars on Monday. We should have the final approval for the contract by then.”

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

“And let’s stop with this ‘sir’ business shall we? Call me Gil. You are going to go places in this company, Pascal, I’m sure of it. In the meantime, why don’t you knock off early today? Put that brother of yours, Lazlo, in charge.”

 

Gil rose and proffered his hand for a handshake. I shook it and thanked him once again.

“You should think about getting one of those au-pair girls to watch your little one,” he suggested quietly. “Imagine having a sweet little French girl at your beck and call.  That’s the way to go about it, boy.”

 

Gil gave me a hearty slap on the back and bade me farewell.

 

I was in a daze as I walked back to my tiny office. Vic and Lazlo spotted me on my return and crowded into my office behind me. I sat on my chair and prepared my briefcase to take home.

 

“Did you know that the girls in the payroll department have a wager going on whether I am gay or not?” I asked bluntly.

 

Lazlo and Vidcund looked at each other sheepishly.

 

“You didn’t?” I asked angrily.

 

They both tried very hard not to smile, but I could see the corners of their mouths twitching.

 

“How much?” I demanded to know.

 

“Fifty,” they said in unison.

 

“I am going to assume that you both wagered that I am straight,” I told them.

 

They both nodded.

 

You both bet fifty simoleans that I am straight and, even though you are my brothers and live with me, there are people who wagered against you.”

 

“Yep,” answered Lazlo.

 

I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this. I did know, however, that I was a little pissed that my own brothers were making bets on my sexual orientation.

 

I sighed heavily.

 

“You better collect your winnings because by the end of the day Gil will have told them that I am a father,” I advised.

 

“You told him about Andy?” asked Vidcund.

 

“Sort of,” I explained. “Only, he believes that Andy’s ‘mother’ died in childbirth and left me to raise Andy on my own.”

 

“Whoah, does that mean you are going to be able to still work from home?” asked Lazlo.

 

Actually, when we get approval for this contract, I am going to be promoted to project leader. So, I have to find someone better than Sophie to watch Andy if I want to take the promotion.”

 

“Don’t you mean ‘if we get the contract’?” contended Vidcund. 

 

“Gil seems confident that we are going to get it, so confident that he offered me the position.”

 

“Way to go, big brother!” Lazlo congratulated me with a slap on the shoulder. I couldn’t help but smile.

 

I closed my brief case and threw my lab coat over my arm.

 

“I’m going home early. Lazlo, Gil wants you in charge.”

 

“Aye, aye, cap’n!” he said with a salute. He stormed out of the door ahead of me crying, “Alright, ye landlubbers! I’m in charge now! Lets git back ter werk or I’ll be havin’ ya swab the poop deck!”

 

“See you at home, Vidcund,” I said as I walked out the door. I got as far as the lab door when I was struck with an idea. Lazlo’s pirate tirade had inspired me.

 

I went to the schedule board and wiped out Angus’ name under ‘Research Lab”. I took the dry erase marker and penned his name under ‘Testing Lab’. I walked over to Angus’s station to break the news to him.

 

“Be sure to wear your scrubs on Monday,” I advised him. “I have you scheduled in the testing lab next week.”

 

A look of horror and dismay crossed Angus’ face.

 

“I can’t work in the testing lab!” he insisted. “The monkeys, they fling their, you know, feces at me!”

 

I tried very hard not to laugh.

 

“You haven’t worked in the testing lab at all this quarter. It’s unfair to everyone else who has taken their turn, so you I have you scheduled for next week.”

 

“I can’t do it. The monkeys don’t like me. They don’t fling stuff at anyone else,” he whined.

 

“Nonsense!” I exclaimed.

Angus puffed out his chest to try to look intimidating.

 

“I will just go to Mr. Price then, we will see what he has to say about it,” he threatened.

 

“I don’t care if you appeal to the Lord Almighty Himself. You are working in the testing lab next week and that is that!” I roared. “And if you don’t like it, tough shit!”

 

I left Angus to stew in his anger.

 

“Loosen up your arms boys!” I bellowed, loud enough to be heard in the testing lab. “It’s going to be a busy week!”

 

Comments

[pascal-curious.livejournal.com]

I hate those stupid nannies. I am always left wondering if Maxis designed them that way or if thay are a product of maxian stupidity. Either way, they make great cowplant fodder.

I wasn't initially going to use that photo of the fire, but I found this chapter rather lacking in entertainment value so I decided what the hell. I don't know one simmer who hasnt said at one point or another "Stupid friggin nanny!"

Pascal may look all sweet and innocent from the outside, but sometime I think he may be too smart for his own good.

[sim-montage.livejournal.com]

maxian stupidity

I think you should put that on a bumper sticker. Hell, I'd put it on my car.

[pascal-curious.livejournal.com]

LOL

I'd like to see "stupid friggin nanny' on a bumper sticker. God knows I say it often enough.

Either way, whoever is driving behind you would be saying "Maxian Stupidity? WTF?"

[sim-montage.livejournal.com]

And while they're busy figuring it out, knowing my luck, they'd plough straight into the back of my car. *chuckles*