Chapter 28 : The Bitch is Back

[pascal_curious]

  

Mass quantities of beer were not enough to soothe Bernard’s bruised ego. He had been beaten at bowling by a girl. It had, in fact, been two girls, one of whom seemed to have trouble remembering to let go of the ball. In an effort to redeem himself he challenged Nervous to a game of darts. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

It is one of the great mysteries of the universe why proprietors of drinking establishments feel the need to provide their drunken patrons with the opportunity to throw needle sharp projectiles. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

Fortunately for Bernard, Nervous, and the stuffed moose head on the wall, nobody suffered any ocular damage. This was mainly due to the fact that Nervous was either much less drunk than Bernard, or a much better darts player than Bernard. Bernard insisted his loss was due to severe inebriation. Nervous insisted it was because Bernard was nothing but a flaming bag of suck.

 

Nervous and Bernard returned to their stools and fresh pints of Halsnæs Poulsen. Bernard promised Nervous that it wouldn’t be bad at all if he drank it all at once. Nervous disagreed. 

Even the toilet in the men’s room disagreed and refused to flush. As a peace offering, Bernard bought Nervous a bottle of Bootie U95. 

(Between bouts of maniacal laughter,) Bernard promised that the name “Bootie” was just clever marketing, and had nothing to do with whether the beer might or might not smell like ass. Much to Nervous’ dismay, the brew delivered all of the flavor the name suggested. Nervous demanded that he be in charge of all beverage purchases for the rest of the evening.

 

It was getting close to last call, and the traffic in the bar had slowed to a crawl. The kitchen staff was beginning their evening cleanup while the servers polished tabletops and buffed the water marks from the glassware. With the jukebox playing “Free Bird” and Bernard singing along, off key, Nervous thought of home. He felt a twinge of guilt for not having called Circe, but the longer he thought about it that twinge of guilt turned to a surge of anger. He was angry at Circe for never having stood up for him, he was angry at her for turning a blind eye.

He watched Bernard, who was blissfully oblivious to the fact that he looked like a drunken fool, swaying and singing off key. Nervous wondered if he could live like Bernard, sufficient unto himself. He looked up at Bernard who belted out the last line of the song and smiled drunkenly at his friend. Nervous smiled back and wondered if Bernard really was sufficient unto himself.

 

Over Bernard’s shoulder, Nervous saw a very pretty girl walking toward them. She smiled and waved at Nervous in the way that girls do when they are trying to be cute. This girl didn’t need to try to be cute. She stopped a short distance behind Bernard who was happily singing backup for Elton John in “The Bitch is Back”. 

She started waving about behind Bernard’s back in a sort of crude sign language. 

She pointed at Bernard and then waggled her finger. Nervous translated this as “Bernard No”. She then held her finger to her mouth and pursed her lips. Nervous translated this as “Shhhhh”.

 

“I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact,” Bernard warbled loudly, his half empty beer bottle as his microphone. The girl behind him put her hand to her mouth in an effort to stifle her laughter. Nervous snorted and clamped his lips to keep from busting a gut.   “I can bitch, I can bitch, `cause I'm better than you, it's the way that I move, the things that I do.”

 

Bernard was enjoying himself so much that Nervous shrugged and joined in, equally as off key as Bernard.

 

“I’m a bitch, I'm a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact, I can bitch, I can bitch, `cause I'm better than you, it's the way that I move, the things that I do.” 

 

The pretty brunette shook her head and smiled. She came up behind Bernard, slid her hand around his waist and joined in, her bottle of Heineken as her mic.

 

“Bitch, bitch, the bitch is ba-aa-ck,”

 

Startled by the girl’s sudden presence beside him, Bernard jumped in his seat. He looked over to her and broke into a wide smile. The girl smiled back in a way that indicated that she and Bernard were very well acquainted.

 

“Bitch, bitch, the bitch is ba- aa-ck,” all three sang together. A round of applause and laughter came from the direction of the kitchen as the song came to its end.

“Hello Fairycakes,” Bernard said smugly as he gave her a squeeze.

 

“You remembered!” she squealed. She planted a kiss on his lips and squeezed him back. “I was trying to sneak up on you, but I couldn’t stop laughing. No wonder I never see you on karaoke night.”

 

Bernard ordered them all another round of drinks, Heineys instead of Booties.

“Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in, like, forever,” Lacey asked as she playfully poked Bernard in the shoulder.

 

“Well, I’ve been, like, busy and stuff,” he teased. He pointed to Nervous. “Nervous here has been keeping me company.” He started to giggle like a drunken schoolgirl. “He’s my new BFF.”

 

“Your name is Nervous?” Lacey asked.

 

“Yes.” Nervous answered.

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Seriously.”

 

“How on earth did you get a name like Nervous?”

 

“How on earth did you get a name like Fairycakes?” Nervous retorted. He hated when people asked him about his name. He could go by his proper name, he supposed, but then nobody would know who the hell they were talking about.

 

Bernie laughed out loud. As much as he was enjoying their exchange, he didn’t want an argument to erupt between his two friends. Lacey had sharp fingernails; he knew from experience. He attempted to draw focus away from Nervous’ unconventional name.   

 

“I don’t have to ask what you’ve been up to, do I?” Bernie tittered, pointing to large hickey on Lacey’s neck.

 

Lacey self consciously pulled her shirt up around her neck.

 

“You can pick all you want, but I think I may have hit the jackpot this time,” she said, quite pleased with her fortune.

 

“Oh really? Who is the poor bugger then?”

 

Lacey stuck her tongue out at Bernard..

“I’m serious!” Lacey shouted. “This might really be the one!”

 

“I’m happy for you, I really am,” Bernie placated. He put his elbow on the bar, propped his chin in his hand and feigned interest. “Tell us all about him, please?” He turned to Nervous. “You want to hear all about Lacey’s new beau du jour, don’t you?” He asked Nervous.

 

Nervous stifled a chuckle. “Of course,” he answered, the sarcasm practically dripping from his lips. “Nothing would please me more.” Nervous followed Bernard’s example and propped his chin in his hand and looked at Lacey expectantly.

 

“See,” Bernard said, turning back to Lacey. “We both want to hear all about him.”

 

Lacey gave Bernard a scathing look. She knew she was being needled, but she was so excited about her news that she chose to ignore their teasing.

 

“He’s absolutely gorgeous,” she explained. “He’s blonde and he has the most amazing eyes. I just can’t stop looking at them.”

“Really?” Bernard asked. “That’s fascinating. What color are his eyes?”

“HaHa.” Lacy sneered at her tormentor. “You thought I wouldn’t actually know what color eyes he had. They’re blue, so there.” She stuck her tongue out at him again.  “Anyway, we’re getting together tomorrow and…”

 

“Lacey!” someone shouted from the other end of the bar, interrupting her from her story.

 

A girl, probably about the same age as Lacey, dressed much more modestly than Lacey, with pretty red hair and grey eyes, rushed across the room.

 

“Oh my God, Linda!” Lacey exclaimed as she greeted her friend with a peck on the lips. “You won’ believe what happened after you left last night!”

 

Linda smiled at Bernard. “Hi, Bernard,” she said with a wink. “Hey, Linda.”  Bernard smiled back. “Lacey was just going to tell us all about her latest conquest.”

“Bernard Carlton, you are an ass,” Lacey informed him. She turned her attention back to Linda, pleased that at least Linda would take her seriously. “You won’t believe what happened after you left last night,” she told Linda excitedly.

 

“I knew I shouldn’t have gone home early,” Linda deplored. “So, what did I miss?” She asked Lacey, as excited to hear about it as Lacey was to tell it.

 

“I bagged a Curious!”

 

Bernard snorted and buried his head in his arms to hide his laughter and embarrassment. Nervous’ right eyebrow ridge shot straight up.

“Oh my God, No way!” exclaimed Linda. “You go girl!” She gave Lacey a high five.

 

Nervous was having a hard time telling if the shaking mass on the bar, that had been Bernard, was laughing or sobbing.

 

“He came in just before last call and I bought him a couple of drinks,” Lacey explained.

 

“Which Curious was it?” Linda asked, unable to handle the suspense.

 

“Vidcund, the blonde one,” Lacey told her, stifling a squeal of delight.

 

“Ohhh,” Linda gasped “The one that looks like some kind of Nordic prince? He is sooooo hot.”

 

“Oh my God, you have no idea!” Lacey assured her. “He wanted to do it on the hood of his car in the parking lot!”

 

“You didn’t?”

 

“Are you kidding? I’m as much an exhibitionist as the next girl, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. The last thing I need is to be arrested for committing lewd sex acts in public. I had a hell of a time getting him into the car.”

Bernard had emerged and was listening to Lacey with a lopsided grin on his face. He suffered periodic spasms as he held back each new bout of laughter. The expression on Nervous’ face was one of shock and horror.

  “We got together for lunch today.” Lacey punctuated the word “Lunch” with a sly wink. “And he wants to take me shopping tomorrow. Then, after his brothers get home from work…” Lacey paused for dramatic effect. “We’re going to Vegas for the weekend!”

 

 

Comments

[dinoshad2brains.livejournal.com]

Vegas!? I hope Vidcund won't be too impulsive... Loving Bernard, and I can't wait to find out more about Lacey.

[pascal-curious.livejournal.com]

HeHe. Vegas Baby!

I really like Bernard. It's a shame I'm going to have to kill him off.

(Just kidding!)